Analyzing the Coffee Habits of “Dan the Coworker”

26th Aug 2016

*An anonymous office dweller wrote to us about his coworker, “Dan” and his first experience with our coffee. Here is his story…*

It’s Friday, which means it’s almost the weekend. Everyone in the office wants to be out of the office. Not me, though. Today, I’ll be chronicling the adventures of my coworker, whose office is directly across from mine. Let’s call him “Dan.” I don’t talk to Dan very often, but having observed him before, I must share with you his coffee-drinking habits and the results of a little “experiment” I’m going to be running today…

Today’s going to be a good day.

-8:03 AM

It’s Friday. I’m here on time. Dan is not. Dan is never on time. He’s usually 30-45 minutes late. He always looks so tired when he gets here, that I sometimes think he sprints to work.

-8:56 AM

Dan just arrived. He’s extra late today, and he’s far more tired than usual. He has bags under his eyes that look like the roots of a tree, where each ring represents a year it’s been living on this earth. The bags under his eyes look positively ancient. I want to reach out and say hello to this poor man, but he walks past his office and goes directly to the kitchen to find the coffee maker.

-9:01 AM

Here’s a little known fact about the coffee we stock in our office: It’s from a generic brand we get from the discount grocery store across the street, and it tastes a bit like someone liquefied the process of making a hotdog. If you don’t know what that process entails, then consider yourself lucky.

Dan, however, has been working here for two years and drinks the stuff every day. He pours a cup first thing in the morning and lets it sit on his desk for about five minutes before taking a sip. Perhaps this makes it more bearable. He’s currently at the four-minute mark. I’m waiting to watch his reaction as he takes his first sip, which will be in about three…two…one…

-9:02 AM

Contact. He takes a big sip, and his face shows it. The bags under his eyes grow heavier, and the look in his eyes is the kind of look you see from a man who turns around to find a Frisbee, basketball or other sports object flying quickly towards his head. I feel horrible for this man.

-9:14 AM

He just dumped it out. Wow. He never does that. The coffee must be extra repugnant today. Dan looks about 10 years older than when he walked into the office this morning, which is really saying something. I know what you may be thinking. You’re thinking I’m a cruel man for letting my coworker suffer through this.

But I have a plan. You see, Dan usually goes back for a second cup of coffee around 10:40 AM. I’m counting on this, because I’m about to change Dan’s life. I’m about to switch out our usual store-bought malarkey with Aroma Ridge “Top of the Morning” Coffee.

Hopefully my plan has not yet been foiled, and I’ll soon get to see the look on this coffee drinker’s face as he finally sees the light.